Fear: Preschool and School Age Children

Children (and most people) are afraid of things that they cannot understand or control, and strange or new situations or objects. They can be fearful of many things, because so much of the world is new to them. Fears may also be learned. Sometimes they come from a direct experience with something that hurt, eg. being bitten by a dog.

A fear can also be taught by parents, brothers and sisters, playmates, teachers, etc. For example, if the parent always gets afraid when she sees a spider or goes in a lift, the child is likely to be afraid of these things. Fears can also be caused by seeing or hearing about a danger, eg. on TV. Fear of being left alone at night or of the dark is still common among preschool children. Children also have vivid imaginations, and some of the things that they imagine they also believe are real, eg. monsters (especially children under three, who don't yet really know what is real and what is not real).

Young children need to be reassured if something is not real, but it may take them some time to really believe there is nothing to be afraid of. It is important that you don't act as if you believe the fears are real. There can be a fine line between pretending to look for monsters yourself, and showing your child that there are no monsters. Children of school age may be worried about burglars, afraid of having no friends, afraid of bullies, anxious about school work, or starting a new school or starting high school.

Older children often worry that their parents may separate, especially if they see this happening to friends' families, or if there are a lot of family arguments. Many children worry that a parent may die. Anxiety is infectious and can pass easily from one person to another. Worries and fears can pass easily from parent to child, and from child to parent.

In some ways, this passing of anxieties from parent to child can be helpful to keep the child safe, eg. the child learns that it is not safe to go on the road because you show that this is something dangerous. However, if you are too worried about too many things, the children are likely to be more anxious.

Toddlers

Young children do not have an understanding of size, space and time, so they may, for example, be afraid of going down the plughole (or toilet) with the water, or get upset when you leave because they don't understand what you mean when you say you will be back at 5 o'clock.

You may have to do things like bath your child in a bowl without a plughole for a while. Toddlers, especially 2 to 3 year olds, are often fearful. They have very powerful emotions, which they have not yet learned to control. Something new can be very frightening, even if we think that there is no risk to them.

Some toddlers try very hard to please their parents, and they can be very frightened if something goes wrong. They can also be fearful of other people's powerful emotions. A parent's anger or despair can be very frightening to them. It will help if you can look at what is happening in their lives and their relationships to find what might be making them feel strongly, and help them to talk about it. Let them know that it is OK to feel cross sometimes. Make sure they know that you will not let them hurt others, such as a new baby, or let anyone hurt them.

One of the ways toddlers deal with their fears – eg. at bedtime – is to want to keep the same routine all the time. They may want a drink in the same glass, the same story and the same number of kisses every night. This helps them feel safe.

Fear of strangers

Children form close bonds of love and trust with important people in their lives, particularly their parents or their main caregiver. Many babies develop a fear of strangers, generally sometime between 5 and 12 months of age, and this often lasts until they are up to two years old. They may even seem afraid of people they know fairly well, such as their grandparents. Not all babies are fearful of strangers, but most are for a while. They are more likely to be afraid if they have had little contact with people outside their immediate family.


Ways you can help your baby

It is better not to force your baby to go to a stranger, but allow him to look at the person from the security of your lap. Your baby can pick up your feelings of confidence in others, and learn that they are safe to be with.

You can reassure grandparents and others who love the baby that this will not last; it is part of learning to deal with a big new world. If you plan to leave your baby, it helps if the baby has become used to the child minder before being left.

Start with short separations at first and gradually increase the amount of time. Many children have a special comfort object – a dummy, favorite blanket, piece of cloth, etc. It helps them feel safe, relax and to go to sleep while you are apart. See the topic 'Dummies, thumbs and other comforters'. It is also helpful, if a baby is being left with someone else, to keep routines as much as possible like those at home.

Separation anxiety

At six or seven months of age, babies are usually friendly and smile easily, however they usually have a preference for their parent or main caregiver. By seven to eight months, they start to want to have you in sight at all times and may be upset or cry when they cannot see you.

If they can crawl they will probably follow you – wherever you go.
You are the center of their world, and when you leave they feel 'separation anxiety'. They cannot know where you are and do not understand that you will come back.

When long separations happen – for example through being in hospital, or a parent leaving or being ill - the child can show severe anxiety. Generally the child will cry or protest first, hoping that he can change things and bring his carer back.

If this does not happen, the child may lose interest in people and in playing, or may just play the same thing over and over again. If the main caregiver (eg. parent) leaves or is away for a long time, it is important that other special adults spend as much time as possible caring for the child. It also helps if the usual routine can be followed.