Helping Children Overcome Fears

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Open
Give children information about their fears. Answer their questions about things like wars, death, hospitals, disease, etc. Knowing about things helps to make children less fearful (but not too much detail for young children).



Validate
This means listening to, understanding and not making fun of your child's fears. Respond to your children's fear or cries by reassuring your children that they are safe, and cuddling or patting them until they calm down.
However, while you show your child that you understand that her fears are real, it is important not to let her think that you are also afraid (unless it is genuine) because it will make her more fearful.

Encourage
Praise and reward your child when he makes a step towards fighting or confronting his fear, eg. getting closer to a dog if he is frightened of dogs. Help your child work out small steps he can take to overcome his fear, eg. first just look at pictures of dogs, then get close to a gentle puppy, etc. Don't force your child to fully confront his fear, but take it a small step at a time and let him know you are proud of him when he does.

Routines
These help children know what to expect and make children feel more secure and confident, eg. bedtime routines can help a child with fear of the dark. Prepare children in advance if there is to be a change of routine.

Control
Having some control of the situation often helps with fears.
Make sure your child has his own comforters, eg. dummy, blanket, night light etc.  If your child is old enough, ask him what he thinks would help him, or make some suggestions and let him choose. For example, if the child is afraid of burglars, he could check that the room or house is safe, with windows locked, etc.

Opportunities
Provide opportunities for your child to develop skills and gain confidence in her own ability. Confidence can't be developed on praise alone. It is success and being able to do things that build up a child's confidence.
Let your child try things that she can do, and then give her lots of support and approval. Read children's stories that deal with fearful events that children overcome. Provide times for fantasy play, dress-ups, drawings, etc., where children can express their fears and take control of them.

Model
Children learn most by copying important adults in their lives (using you as a model to copy from).
Show that you are calm and confident in the situation which is frightening to your child. Remember that children can learn fears from parents, and if you show anxiety in a situation your child may pick it up.

Exercise their Knowledge Base

The U.S. Market of Fear

If behavioral finance teaches us one thing, it is that Fear trumps Greed. In fact, it's not even close. Fear is like the Harlem Globetrotters playing the Washington Generals. Sure, ostensibly it's a real contest, but despite the ups and downs along the way, we always know who's going to win in the end. The outcome is predetermined, inexorable.

Fear drives the market. Why? Because losing hurts more than winning feels good. Because the future is uncertain, and the default emotion in cases of uncertainty is fear. Because you're not paranoid, the Market really is out to get you, and fear is the greatest weapon in the Market's arsenal.

How do we fight our fear? With "reason"? Well, some people do. And by "some people" I am chiefly referring to Vulcans - the supremely rational beings from the eponymous planet who are not afflicted by such human weaknesses as emotion. (Then again, Vulcans mate only once every seven years, so you can see why emotions could be a big drawback.)

No. For most of us on Planet Earth, we are forced to fight the battle on an emotional level. Reason definitely helps, but only so far as it helps us reacquire our emotional equilbrium.

Fear is a poison. But there is an antidote - Control. Not actual control (which is irrelevant) but the belief that that you have control. Fear beats Greed. Perception beats Reality - at least where our emotions are concerned.

We have seen this play out recently on marketwide level with the recent actions of the Fed Charmain, Ben Bernanke. The market flagged due to fear. (It always does due to fear.) But the fires of fear were stoked in large part because one of the main sources of investors' (sense of) control is the Federal Reserve Board.

After months of hearing "Inflation remains our primary concern", investors began to wonder if the esteemed Dr. Bernanke really "got it". The Market was saying; "Does he understand our concerns? Does he even care?"

Investors were riding shotgun with the Fed Chairman on a dangerous road. They were concerned there may be a cliff up ahead, but they were even more concerned that the Fed Chairman was asleep behind the wheel.

The first shot of control was injected back in July when Chairman Bernanke acknowledged that the mortgage crisis (and credit crunch) were on his radar screen. (Whew! He's not sleeping after all.) The second shot of control came when he lowered the discount rate. (He's awake and he's willing to hit the brakes.)

People called his decision to lower the discount rate a "largely symbolic move". Exactly. Symbols are important, especially when the symbolic gesture tells people, "Relax. I'm on it".

The Market has been calling (or is it whining?) for an interest rate cut. And I, for one, think that would be splendid. But investors got something even more important. They got back their sense of control.

It's like the immortal words of Mick Jagger:

"You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you might find you get what you need."

Fear: Preschool and School Age Children

Children (and most people) are afraid of things that they cannot understand or control, and strange or new situations or objects. They can be fearful of many things, because so much of the world is new to them. Fears may also be learned. Sometimes they come from a direct experience with something that hurt, eg. being bitten by a dog.

A fear can also be taught by parents, brothers and sisters, playmates, teachers, etc. For example, if the parent always gets afraid when she sees a spider or goes in a lift, the child is likely to be afraid of these things. Fears can also be caused by seeing or hearing about a danger, eg. on TV. Fear of being left alone at night or of the dark is still common among preschool children. Children also have vivid imaginations, and some of the things that they imagine they also believe are real, eg. monsters (especially children under three, who don't yet really know what is real and what is not real).

Young children need to be reassured if something is not real, but it may take them some time to really believe there is nothing to be afraid of. It is important that you don't act as if you believe the fears are real. There can be a fine line between pretending to look for monsters yourself, and showing your child that there are no monsters. Children of school age may be worried about burglars, afraid of having no friends, afraid of bullies, anxious about school work, or starting a new school or starting high school.

Older children often worry that their parents may separate, especially if they see this happening to friends' families, or if there are a lot of family arguments. Many children worry that a parent may die. Anxiety is infectious and can pass easily from one person to another. Worries and fears can pass easily from parent to child, and from child to parent.

In some ways, this passing of anxieties from parent to child can be helpful to keep the child safe, eg. the child learns that it is not safe to go on the road because you show that this is something dangerous. However, if you are too worried about too many things, the children are likely to be more anxious.

Toddlers

Young children do not have an understanding of size, space and time, so they may, for example, be afraid of going down the plughole (or toilet) with the water, or get upset when you leave because they don't understand what you mean when you say you will be back at 5 o'clock.

You may have to do things like bath your child in a bowl without a plughole for a while. Toddlers, especially 2 to 3 year olds, are often fearful. They have very powerful emotions, which they have not yet learned to control. Something new can be very frightening, even if we think that there is no risk to them.

Some toddlers try very hard to please their parents, and they can be very frightened if something goes wrong. They can also be fearful of other people's powerful emotions. A parent's anger or despair can be very frightening to them. It will help if you can look at what is happening in their lives and their relationships to find what might be making them feel strongly, and help them to talk about it. Let them know that it is OK to feel cross sometimes. Make sure they know that you will not let them hurt others, such as a new baby, or let anyone hurt them.

One of the ways toddlers deal with their fears – eg. at bedtime – is to want to keep the same routine all the time. They may want a drink in the same glass, the same story and the same number of kisses every night. This helps them feel safe.

Fear of strangers

Children form close bonds of love and trust with important people in their lives, particularly their parents or their main caregiver. Many babies develop a fear of strangers, generally sometime between 5 and 12 months of age, and this often lasts until they are up to two years old. They may even seem afraid of people they know fairly well, such as their grandparents. Not all babies are fearful of strangers, but most are for a while. They are more likely to be afraid if they have had little contact with people outside their immediate family.


Ways you can help your baby

It is better not to force your baby to go to a stranger, but allow him to look at the person from the security of your lap. Your baby can pick up your feelings of confidence in others, and learn that they are safe to be with.

You can reassure grandparents and others who love the baby that this will not last; it is part of learning to deal with a big new world. If you plan to leave your baby, it helps if the baby has become used to the child minder before being left.

Start with short separations at first and gradually increase the amount of time. Many children have a special comfort object – a dummy, favorite blanket, piece of cloth, etc. It helps them feel safe, relax and to go to sleep while you are apart. See the topic 'Dummies, thumbs and other comforters'. It is also helpful, if a baby is being left with someone else, to keep routines as much as possible like those at home.

Fears: Young Children

Parents often worry about their children's fears and anxieties. Children's worries and reactions to situations vary enormously. Most children will be worried and fearful from time to time. You can help your children overcome fears and to have the confidence needed to be able to face up to the hard things that will happen in their lives.


What are anxieties, fears and phobias?
Fear is a feeling that triggers a number of changes in the body. When something happens that a person is afraid of, the body prepares to either tackle the situation or to run away. To do this, the heart rate and breathing rate get faster and the person may turn pale, perspire, have an unpleasant feeling in his stomach ('butterflies') or feel shaky.


While fear has a particular cause for example, a person, animal, situation that someone is afraid of, anxiety is a more general unpleasant feeling, where it may not be clear what the person is worried about. A phobia is a really strong fear of something specific. The fear is much stronger than the risk of harm and it interferes with things the person wants to do.

It is normal to feel worried about some situations, and being afraid is the way we can be prepared to meet and deal with danger- it makes us alert and ready to take action.

Young children will be naturally fearful of some things, such as being separated from a parent, and they need to be taught to be fearful of certain other things to keep safe. The dangers of traffic and electricity are too great, and young children cannot understand them, so fear helps them keep safe- parents also need to keep them safe and not rely on fear alone.

When deciding whether your child's fear is a problem, you need to consider:
Is it reasonable for a child to feel this way?
Is the fear interfering with the everyday life of the child or family?

If a child has a lot of fears and worries, it is important to think about what is happening in her life. For example, is there illness in the family, are her parents having lots of arguments, etc? Sometimes phobias begin at a time of trauma or difficulty.

What Are You Afraid Of?

“The only two natural fears that humans have are fear of loud noises and fear of stepping off heights. All the other fears are taught to us as we grow up. All of the feelings of hopelessness, frustration, anger, guilt, bitterness, loneliness, have become assumptions we learned and we now live our lives based on. We are creating realities of fear. These fears come from the conviction that our basic hygienic needs are not being fulfilled: the need for safety, the need to feel worthwhile and valued, the need to feel loved and belonging. To calm the fears, we control, our spouses, our children, and ultimately, ourselves. If we lose control, the fears cause us to panic.

But all of these fears and the threats to our basic*hygienic needs are entirely in our minds; they are produced by the assumptions we hold that we learned as children. To grow to have bliss, we must face each of these assumptions and the fears they produce, one at a time, with the realization that we are eternal spiritual beings, unaffected by anything in the material realm.

Our assumptions that we will be unsafe, are unworthy, and are unloved must be replaced by the assumptions that we will never die and the spiritual beings we are can never be harmed. No tragedy can destroy us. No desire we have is important enough to make us frustrated and unhappy. No threat to our job or our health matters because we are simply having the physical part of an eternal existence, and we will learn from the tragedies as well as the triumphs. We can be blissful in the face of any circumstance in which we find ourselves.”

* Herzberg's Motivation-Hygiene Theory

We have basic needs (hygiene needs) which, when not met, cause us to be dissatisfied. Meeting these needs does not make us satisfied -- it merely prevents us from becoming dissatisfied. The 'hygiene' word is deliberately medical as it is an analogy of the need to do something that is necessary, but which does contribute towards making the patient well (it only stops them getting sick). These are also called these maintenance needs.

There is a separate set of needs which, when resolved, do make us satisfied. These are called motivators. This theory is also called Herzberg's two-factor theory.

Fear and Control

By Kathy Wilson

Fear has many uses. It can be used as a warning to keep you from entering into a situation that might hurt you. It can be used to motivate you away from something, such as a harmful relationship or a dangerous situation. It can also be used by others to control you.

How do people use fear to control others? When you understand what happens physiologically when people experience fear it becomes quite easy, as you'll see.

There is a part of your brain that exists solely for your survival called the "reptilian" brain, which is the original part of your brain. As humans evolved, our brains grew and other parts were added, such as the limbic system which deals with emotions and the cerebral portion which is the thinking part. This reptilian brain is located at the stem of the brain, securely protected by the rest of the brain. When all other parts of the brain are non-functional, this part will still be ticking away, assuring your physical survival.

When you experience the emotion of fear, your reptilian brain goes into action and the rest of your brain shuts down. The function of this part of your brain is to support you either to fight or in flight. When you are in the emotional state of fear, you have two choices and everything you do will be based on one of those choices.

If you're thinking, "Hoo haa- We're too advanced for that", remember the last time you were in a very disagreeable situation. Were you wanting to have a nice cozy, loving chat with the other person? Not likely. Probably you were wanting to get away from them and escape the uncomfortableness. Or maybe you were thinking how satisfying it would be if they got a comeuppance. These are flight and fight reactions.

Additionally, when you are experiencing fear, your entire body goes into fight or flight mode. All your blood is redirected to the parts that are needed for fight or flight - your heart, lungs, muscles, and your reptilian brain. The rest of your brain is left with only enough blood to keep it on idle, which means that you have no capability for rational or creative thought. It's all black or white, yes or no, good or evil. In this state you do not have the ability to think of alternative solutions to the situation. Only run or fight.

How ideal for the military! If they keep masses of people in fear and educate them in the many ways to kill other humans, they have a ready, willing, able, and non-thinking military force. This falls right into alignment with the basic premise of the military: follow orders without question (or without thinking). Whoever came up with the idea of using fear like this was a real genius. Just look at what they've created.

The polarity thinking that is created by fear can also be used very easily and effectively on the general populace by our politicians and other powers. Look at how our own country is divided right now by the fear that has been promoted by the current administration. They are continually coming up with new ways of keeping the citizens of the U.S. in a state of fear. The "security alert" with it's color coding is perfect. All they have to do is change the color of it to turn the level of fear in this country up or down, just like controlling the flow of water in a faucet.

What's the answer? First, get yourself out of the state of fear. In order to be able to think you need to be able to use the other parts of your brain. If you are having difficulty getting out of fear, here are a few things you can do:

TURN OFF YOUR TELEVISION- Especially the news. Have you ever felt wonderful, or even good, after you watched the news? Even the commercials are designed to make you feel sick and fearful.

Get in touch with the earth. Go for a walk without your cell phone or CD player and truly pay attention to the beauty that surrounds you. Notice all the things that are there to support you - trees for shade, all vegetation for oxygen, ants to clean up the minutest messes, birds to spread seed for more plants to grow.

Show appreciation to your body by giving it something nice - a massage, a cup of herbal tea, organic food, pure water. It will thank you by feeling more energized.

Don't hang around negative people or people who are being negative at the time. You don't need to absorb their fear any more than you need to absorb the fear from the news on TV.

As you begin to emerge from the state of fear and can once again think rationally and creatively, look at how you can create unity in your life instead of the polarity caused by fear. The world will thank you.